saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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