i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
