So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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