sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
