the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
