the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
