If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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