you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
