I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize