ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Come on in and take your pants off
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