I hate all girls vehemently.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
