i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
