i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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