I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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