He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
