It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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