Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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