Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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