So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
