Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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