I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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