your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
