1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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