i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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