The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
