It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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