I met the friendliest cop last night
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
