I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
