Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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