A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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