i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
