i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
that is very illegal...i love you.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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