You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
