you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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