just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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