I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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