Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
