Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Be still, my beating vagina.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
