So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
