I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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