she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
