Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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