His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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