remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
