Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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