last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
