so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
