Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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