Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
