I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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