I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
