Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So much rum. So many feels.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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