I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
