upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
