why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
